Mental Health is something that to me is deeply personal and very important especially in recent years.
Behind my smile I’m not always happy.
Admitting it is hard cause you don’t want people to look at you differently and you feel like you need to protect yourself but I don’t care how people treat or look at me anymore.
I’m speaking my truth no matter who says otherwise.
I’m not always happy, I’m not always the fun outgoing person that I present myself out there and saying that is both painful and yet so true to be honest about.
I’ve had days where it was hard to get out of bed, where it was a struggle to do simple things, to go to places, to be involved in stuff and most importantly where it was even a struggle to do some of the things that I really wanted to do but couldn’t because not that I wanted to but just couldn’t because of the pain.
Depression.
It’s the worse.
It’s the worse pain you can ever feel and it is a monster that will never truly go away.
I’ve had days where I would feel nothing, where I did nothing, where I couldn’t have joy in anything nor feel upset at it either. I didn’t know why I would feel like this. I would cry, get angry, had thoughts that I was worthless, that I didn’t belong or that I didn’t make a difference or impact on the world.
It hurt so much yet I wanted to feel something yet I couldn’t.
That’s what Depression is.
It’s feeling nothing, it’s feeling absolutely empty with nothing there at all.
To give you more of an explanation of what I’m talking about I want to present an excerpt from a My Little Pony Fanfic called “I Don’t Like The Drugs But The Drugs Like Me” by A Hoof-ful Of Dust.
When I read that story not only was the explaination of Depression so perfectly explained but it really resonated with me in the stuff I have felt and went through.
Here’s an excerpt from the story (I will link the story down here so you can go read the story yourself but please note that it does deal with heavy topics so please don’t read if your not able to): https://www.fimfiction.net/story/285981/1/i-dont-like-the-drugs-but-the-drugs-like-me/i-dont-like-the-drugs-but-the-drugs-like-me
"It's not being sad. Being sad means that you're feeling, feeling something, even if it's not nice. Depression is not feeling anything. There's no reason to do anything, no reason to take joy in anything, but there's no reason to be upset, either. There's just nothing. And so you have no motivation and no energy for anything. Nothing will change.
"It's not about anything. It doesn't come from anywhere, the doctor said. It's a disease, like the flu or insomnia, but it's subtle, so you don't know there's something wrong until it's really bad. First maybe you beat yourself up a little bit over a mistake you make or something dumb you said where other ponies would just shrug it off. Then you remember all the other times you said the wrong thing, and you're asking yourself, how are you so stupid? What's wrong with you? So you keep a really close eye on what you say, because you don't want to make a fool of yourself again, but you do because that's only natural, and you remember everything dumb you've ever said again and it all comes back to you just how shameful everypony else must think you are. So you just end up talking less and less, adding less to the conversation, only piping up when you're completely sure what you're going to say is worthwhile. And you miss your chance sometimes, and you beat yourself up later in your head over that, too.
"So you just end up hanging out with your friends less and less. You have something to do. You don't feel like it this week. You say you'll be there but instead you just stay home. And that gives you plenty of time to think. You think about how you're being a terrible friend, how you should go out and see everypony, but you don't want to face them after having not seen them for so long and you don't have the energy to go out and be in a group and that just makes you feel worse. A better pony would have the energy to do it. A better pony wouldn't be scared of something stupid like her friends. You must be terrible. You're terrible at everything. You should get up and stop being so terrible at life. But you don't. And that's how you know you're terrible.
"But you have to go and do things out in the world, eventually. So you lie about how you're doing. You pretend. You don't want to bother other ponies with your problems, because it's not like it's a real problem. It's just something you made up for yourself. You made up how you constantly feel awful, when there are ponies in the world with actual problems. That's how terrible you are. You lie and say you're alright but that takes away from the energy you have, keeping up the lie. It's like being at the beach when the tide comes in. First it's just waves going back and forth, and then all of a sudden, where did the beach go? Now it's all water. Where did I go? Now it's just depression. Just this terrible pony who's no good at anything.
"And that's when you start thinking, maybe the world doesn't need me in it. Maybe--"
That excerpt above is what I felt and still occasionally feel to this day and it so hard to not think about.
Yet despite my struggles I want to make this known.
I am so happy, so grateful and so very VERY blessed to still be here.
I am glad that I’m not gone and glad I’m here to serve my purpose in life.
I am happy to live and breathe and to be in the presence of such a good life that I have now.
Over the years it took me a long time to look at life in a new way then I looked at it then.
I am thankful for everything I have.
My family, my friends (IRL & Online), the roof over my stuff, the stuff I own and most importantly grateful that I didn’t do anything to make me lose all of those incredible things that I have now.
Depression is hard and while I still struggle with it I now cope with it and battle it head on and keep stronger and stronger by the day.
Mental health is so important to open up about.
Trust me when I say this.
If my experience inspires you to open up about your struggles then I’m happy I helped inspire you to be open.
Thank you for reading and most importantly…
Happy Men’s Mental Health Awareness Month.
-Ry (CL9)
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