I've played TFT at Challenger level for years, qualified for major tournaments and spent thousands of hours trying to understand the game.
And I still struggle to trust my own judgment.
Sometimes another top player disagreeing with me is enough to make me question an opinion I had good reasons for. Sometimes a bad result does the same thing.
At my last Regionals, I felt that doubt affect the way I played.
When I first started competing at this level, I had a lot to learn from established players. I studied their decisions and adopted their strategies. Over time, I developed my own understanding.
But the way I see some of those players hasn't changed as much as my own ability has.
I still give their opinions more weight simply because of who they are. Someone can be a better player overall and still be wrong about a particular decision. I know that. Yet I sometimes feel like I have to earn the right to disagree.
I think I often look for reassurance that my judgment is sound, whether that comes from another player or a good result. When I don't get it, I struggle to trust my reasoning.
Going into Regionals, I had reasons to feel confident. I'd spent the week scrimming against some of the best players in the world, with good results and strategies I felt comfortable playing.
My previous Regionals had ended with a power outage that prevented me from finishing the decisive games. This time, I wanted to show what I could do.
Then unfamiliar strategies emerged shortly before the tournament, and I started questioning my preparation.
In Game 1, I made an unusual decision I still think was reasonable. I finished eighth.
I regularly explain to my coaching students that a bad result doesn't automatically mean a bad decision. Applying that to myself under pressure was much harder.
In Game 2, I was still thinking about Game 1. I made positioning mistakes that I believe cost me placements.
By Game 3, I avoided a viable line partly because I'd just gone eighth playing it. Instead, I committed to a different strategy without the conditions I'd normally want for it.
I felt unsure about what I was doing. I still can't fully explain why I stuck with it. Reviewing the replay immediately afterward, I said on stream how badly the first two games had affected me.
By Games 5 and 6, I felt helpless. Qualifying was still possible with exceptional results, but even then, my points would carry over and leave me facing a huge uphill battle the next day.
Honestly, I just wanted to be out of that situation.
I knew the German broadcast was watching. They're always supportive and cheer me on. But I felt like I had nothing to show them.
At the same time, I imagined people who doubted my ability watching and thinking: “See? I told you he wasn't that good.”
I don't know if anyone actually thought that. In my head, I'd given them proof.
That hurt because I knew I could play better. I'd spent years trying to improve and be taken seriously. When I finally had another opportunity to show what I could do, I felt like I was proving the opposite.
I was the person doubting me the most.
Since then, I've been asking myself why I change my mind. Have I received new information or heard a better argument? Or am I afraid to be wrong?
I want to keep learning from others and questioning my decisions. I also want to trust my own reasoning when I have no convincing reason to abandon it.
Vegas is my next big tournament. I don't know if I'll handle this better there. Recognizing what was happening during Regionals wasn't enough to get me out of it.
I won't be able to save every tournament. But I want to finish knowing I kept trying to play my best. This time, I'm not sure I did, and that bothers me more than the result alone.
One bad tournament doesn't erase years of progress. I want to remember that while I'm still in it.
I'll keep making mistakes. I'll keep having doubts.
But I don't want those doubts making my decisions for me.