I lost my dad 15 years ago today. I was just a month and a half into being 14 when he died, so I’ve officially had more years without him than with - it’s a strange tipping point.
I learned that the world genuinely does not give a fuck what is going on with you, because there’s a million other things going on. The world simply… keeps moving.
I learned you have to take care of yourself, and love yourself, because you cannot depend on others to be there for you forever. Even if they want to be.
Grief is a constant ghost that will follow you for the rest of your life. You will find yourself missing them at the strangest times. You’ll find yourself unable to watch the latest Star Wars movie, because they never got to see it. You’ll ruminate and write and still never find a way to make it make sense. You’ll wonder what their review would have been.
I also learned that the world can be incredibly warm and loving in the strangest ways.
I remember the neighbor who wrapped a fleece blanket over my shoulders when I was crying on the sidewalk after watching my dog get run over in 6th grade. I remember the man in the park who gave me a bag of peanuts to feed the squirrels when I was crying on a bench in college. I remember the nurse that found me in the hospital chapel after my grandmother had passed away with me in the room. I was young. I don’t remember what she said, but I remember she sat with me until I was ready to go back to my family. I remember my middle school principal who came to my house to check on me when I was too depressed to change out of my clothes or shower for days after my dad passed.
I never saw any of them ever again, but I will always remember those small bits of kindness, and how they made me believe that the world can be incredibly warm and randomly loving, even in the coldest of times.
I learned from those moments to do my best to be that person for other people. I try to return the empathy and patience I’ve been shown, especially on someone’s worst days. I hope those moments get passed forward.
I lost my dad 15 years ago today.
I still mourn not just my dad, but every moment I experienced or will experience without him.
I wonder if he would have talked me out of stupid things I’ve done, or if he would’ve encouraged me to go for it at moments where my confidence failed me. I wonder if he’d want to hear my thoughts on that Star Wars movie. (most are probably dogshit tbh u aint missin much dad)
I will never have those answers, and the world doesn’t pause for any of it. But it has paused before, at times when I really, desperately needed it.
As fast as the world keeps moving, it still finds time for moments of kindness. I hope to return the favor.