Music has been an inseparable part of my life since high school, and I'd been relying on it frequently to convey my emotions as a second language. Back then, my head was filled with plenty of crazy musical ideas but no one's interested in it, and they're super quick to shut these ideas down as "childish" and "stupid", sometimes along the lines of "music is a waste of time, you should focus solely on your grades". But I wanted a better life, so studying we go.
Then came 2015 when I made my first song in FL Studio 8 I believe, and I decided to post it on a random forum that I no longer remember its name, and the reaction to that? "You'll never make it with that shitty music of yours". At first glance, I naively thought it was just a few mean people on the internet who's job is to make users miserable for fun but it unjokingly stung deep down my heart that I halted music production for a whole year. But afterwards it didn't bother me that much for I greatly trusted the quality of doujin music in general, and I brushed it off.
What I didn't know was that this was barely the tip of the iceberg of the ultimate misery that I was about to experience in full force. (I'm not going to elaborate on my traumatic past experiences in the Touhou community as it has inflicted so much loss and emotional damage that I've yet to fully recover from it.)
Fast forward 10 years to my rhythm game debut in January 2025. At this point of time I was ultra pessimistic about the future of my circle in the Touhou community after achieving anything but major success - either my music doesn't cut through that invisible barrier, or it's barely a success to begin with anyway. So I mustered up my courage, tried writing a few songs for rhythm games and one of them surprisingly got into Rotaeno. Hooray, finally a win, or so I thought.
However, the general rhythm game community's reaction toward my music erased all that optimism - they didn't celebrate my win together, they quietly mocked it as "inferior to my JP/KR counterparts", as if my music was never good to begin with. Obviously I wasn't happy about that after doing my best to show to the world I ain't that incapable, but shortly after I was bombarded by blank criticisms for "making too big of a deal" or "you're just overreacting", not to mention the derogatory action to "grow up" and "go seek professional help" but refusing to offer any substantial help in clearing up any of my doubts. (FYI I did seek professional help TWICE, yet NONE of my concerns were addressed in full.) What was once trust had turned into doubt, and effectively it soured to the point it developed into a full blown meltdown. I questioned my life choices every day as if pursuing music production was the biggest mistake I made in my life, and there's a really great chance it'd be, perhaps it already IS one huge mistake.
I don't feel safe to express my opinions anymore. I'm hated just because I merely wanted to prove that there's still competent producers from M'sia that's so much unlike what the community largely assumed to be. I'm being silenced because I realized that lies and hypocrisy are what keeps this community alive and kicking instead of helping each other out. They're locked in their fantasy bubble of extreme favoritism and bootlicking their idols daily and that bubble keeps on inflating itself even till this very day. This community only seeks to look attractive on the surface but actively dismisses every single disagreement that arises without question.
Regrettably, many talented producers I used to have respect for in this community have joined in the hating bandwagon and immediately cutting ties with me, unfollowing/blocking my social media accounts out of the blue and some even went to great lengths of boycotting every single music I put out, and I guess the bad words spread fast which resulted my views and plays dropping from healthy double-digit numbers to a pitiful single digit per day. Even my "friends" showed their true colors and turned their backs on me when I needed a helping hand because they figured I wasn't worth the transaction. All of the above actions have inevitably destroyed my passion and motivation to create more music only because I have a different belief and point of view in success, only because I'm not behaving completely like the rest.
No one should be subjected to discrimination regardless of their views in music, and no one has to navigate a minefield of hostility just to put out their music to the world. No one deserves to bear the brunt of criticism just because they're invested into a niche genre that many will never bother to enjoy. But do my words carry any weight when all doors to this community are shut tight for me?
Consequently, I'm forced to take necessary steps to safeguard my inner peace and creative integrity. My main priority is to find another space (clearly NOT the doujin community in its current state) where my music can be shared without fear and prejudice, and I will not be judged in a discriminatory manner just because I'm obsessed over creating retrofuturistic music that the most of you deem as obsolete, or simply because I'm not from JP/KR.
That said, I shall remain dedicated to my craft and to those who support my music in actual good faith till this very day, and I'd strongly abstain from the usage of genAI in my music and cover arts. However, I will no longer engage with this community that constantly threatens my ability to create and express myself safely. I won't be making music for now but if I do in the near future, it wouldn't be for the community to get their hands on that easily. The link of trust has unfortunately been severed, and no amount of assurance or words of comfort are enough for me to build it back from scratch.
To my Touhou fans who are still with me after almost 9 years, rest assured Gensokyo Midnight Drive Vol.2 is still in the works but it'd take a longer time than usual to wrap things up with a boom before my eventual departure from Touhou as a whole. Who knows, maybe I'll come back when the dust has settled. But I'm pretty certain that would no longer be the case as long as that gigantic fantasy bubble exists.
To future young to-be producers, I'd suggest avoiding the doujin music community at all costs unless you're 110% prepared to take on whatever's hurled at you, that includes blank criticism, derogatory remarks, and most importantly the biggest deafening cold treatment - silence and indifference. You'd encounter plenty of people who'd look like they're praising your music but are actually livid of your very existence the moment you chose to be different.
May the primordial gods guide me to true peace and victory. Or if all fails, at least grant me one final chance to join the stars up in the night skies.